Bagaimana jika anda mati hari ini?

 Bismillahirrahmanirrahim. 

Pagi itu, dalam kesibukan saya dan Hana, kami mendapat panggilan. Saya, secara spesifiknya. 

"Dah sarapan?" dia tanya lepas kami berbalas salam. Jujurnya saya cuak. Pagi-pagi lagi Boss dah telefon. Nasib baik dah masuk ofis :D 

"Belum, boss." dalam cuak tu, lurus pula jawapannya. 

"Saya kat Dhuha ni. Jomlah sarapan. Ajak semua yang ada di pejabat tu." selamba dia mengajak. Saya pandang Hana. Yang lain masih belum sampai, jadi nampaknya kami berdua sajalah. 

"Okay, boss. Jap." 

Boss ajak lepak mamak, saya beritahu Hana. Ya, Boss kadang-kadang memang begitu. Tak nak makan sorang-sorang, dia akan ajak kami teman dia. Maka beransurlah kami ke Ad-Dhuha, kedai mamak berdekatan pejabat. Pantas Boss gamit kami ke mejanya yang sudah terhidang roti canai siap kuah kari kambing, serta Milo Ais. 

Pantas Boss suruh kami pesan, siap suruh tapaukan untuk mereka yang belum sampai ofis. Masha ALLAH pemurahnya. Sambil tunggu makanan sampai, bahkan sambil makan pun, macam-macam kami sembang. Sekejap pasal fail itu ini, tapi banyaknya Boss akan bawa topik lain. Tak nak terikat dengan kerja semata-mata, mungkin. 

"Hana, macam mana kalau awak mati hari ni?" Boss tembak soalan yang langsung tersasar daripada topik kami bualkan sebentar tadi. Tak bagi signal langsung tau, nak masuk topik serius macam ni. 

Kami sama-sama terjeda. Hana diam mencari ilham, saya diam menunggu jawapan. Dan juga memikirkan jawapan saya, kot lepas ni Boss aju soalan sama pada saya pula. 

"Eh, mestilah takut, Boss. Tak bersedia lagi." jawapan Hana membuatkan Boss angguk kecil sebelum talakan pandangan pada saya. Ha, kan dah cakap. Kena jugak. 

"Maryam?" 

"Hmm. Takpe je kot saya kalau mati harini." jawapan tak best saya bagi. Tak sempat nak fikir apa-apa pun sebenarnya bila hidup mati menjadi persoalan ni. 

"Betul? Dah bersedia ke?" beliau soal-siasat. Aura peguam dah keluar nampaknya. Tapi Boss, saya pun peguam. Heh. 

"Nak tunggu sedia kan Boss, entah bila nak sedia. Dan mati ni Boss, bukan tunggu sedia ke tak, kan?" saya pandang Boss. 

"Kenapa awak cakap macam tu?" 

"Sebab saya rasa sekarang ni saya takde terikat dengan dunia sangat. Takde suami, takde anak-anak, takde tanggungjawab, takde komitmen, takde hutang. Insha ALLAH okey. Bukan nak kata saya dah sedia, tapi kalau saya mati sekarang, saya takde tinggalkan sesiapa atau membebankan sesiapa." ulas saya. 

"Parents you Yam?" celah Hana. 

"Rasanya it is a matter of siapa yang tinggalkan siapa dulu. Dan ditinggalkan tu lagi sakit daripada meninggalkan." dalam berkias, saya memberitahu bahawa saya lebih rela meninggalkan daripada ditinggalkan. Tak dapat bayangkan sakitnya ditinggalkan orang yang tersayang (ibu bapa), berpisah dunia :( 

Boss angguk-angguk. Tapi kemudiannya beliau sambung cerita. Rupanya nak cerita pasal sedekah dan kelebihannya. Dikisahkan betapa ramainya manusia yang telah meninggal dunia, ingin dibangkitkan kembali ke dunia untuk - ya, bersedekah. Betapa kuasanya sedekah ini. Jadi moralnya, Boss nak galakkan bersedekah. 

Cerita mati hari itu, tamat pada hari itu sahaja. 

***

Hari ini, Hana bangkitkan kembali persoalan itu. Sejujurnya, pertanyaan Boss berkenaan bersediakah untuk mati itu - saya ingat sehingga ke hari ini. Dan insha ALLAH jawapan saya masih sama. 

Paling penting sebabnya, saya masih belum ada tanggungjawab untuk saya gusarkan. Tanggungjawab sebagai anak, insha ALLAH ada anak lain yang boleh isikan tempat itu. Maksud saya, tanggungjawab yang cuma saya pegang. Contohnya sebagai seorang ibu. Atau isteri. Mungkin bila harta dunia saya bertambah (suami, anak-anak) atau wujudnya hutang saya (rumah @ kereta), kematian akan menjadi satu perkara yang menakutkan. 

Saya akan fikir lebih panjang jika diajukan soalan sama. Anak-anak saya nanti bagaimana? Would they meet a better mother to take care of them? Would they trouble people, because they will never trouble me. Would my partner be okay with my eternal departure? He may be getting himself another partner, but how good can he cope with losing someone dear to him? Because honestly, if such thing happens to me, I might have to learn hard to keep myself composed. 

Cumanya bila difikir-fikir, teringat bait-bait lirik yang dibawa oleh Fynn Jamal dalam lagu Dosa (Noh Salleh). Nak pergi, risau tak cukup bekal. Nak kekal di sini, risau makin bebal. 

Ya. Bukanlah sudah bersedia untuk mati. Jauh sekali rasa dah cukup bekalan ukhrawi. Tidak. Tidak sama sekali. Tapi bukankah mati itu pasti? Dan rasanya pada masa ini masih boleh terus pergi, tanpa khuatir apa-apa pada duniawi. Tiada hutang, tiada komitmen. Kerana risaunya pada masa depan, bertambah tanggungan, makin berat untuk berangkat. 

Dan bukankah yang paling dekat dengan kita itu adalah kematian? 

:') 

Saya fikir, Boss akan lain jawapannya dengan saya. Boss ketua keluarga, punyai isteri dan anak-anak. Boss juga ketua di pejabat, punyai nama baik dan pekerja-pekerja yang bergantung harap. Besar tanggungjawab Boss. Banyak tanggungan dan komitmen Boss. And leaving isn't an easy thing. Banyak lagi benda nak capai, banyak lagi tahap nak gapai. 

Tapi saya - setakat ini, tiada. Semua cukup, alhamdulillah. Kalau ada yang belum pun, akhlak diri yang belum cukup terpuji. Mungkin ada ibadah belum cukup berkualiti. Atau solat yang belum berganti. Atau apa-apa sahaja yang saya sendiri tidak pasti. 

Tapi sekali lagi, wujudkan orang yang benar-benar bersedia untuk mati? Yakin cukup dengan segala bekal amalannya ke alam sana nanti? 

Kerana bukankah mati itu, sungguhpun pasti, namun satu misteri? 

Semoga, dalam setiap anugerah yang Tuhan rezekikan pada kita di dunia ini, tidak menjadi penghadang untuk memberatkan hati untuk kembali kepadaNya apabila dipanggil nanti. 

Insha ALLAH aamiin. 

Ya Tuhan, 

kembalikanlah kami kepadaMu dalam keadaan dosa-dosa kami telah diampunkan. 

kembalikanlah kami ke negeri abadiMu dalam keadaan kami lebih baik daripada sewaktu kami dilahirkan. 

kembalikanlah kami kepadaMu dalam keadaan Engkau dan setiap maklukMu redha kepada kami. 

dan permudahkan urusan segala isi duniaMu dalam mengiringi kepulangan kami ke pangkuanMu. 

Aamiin. 

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"Bersangka baik dengan ALLAH."

 Bismillahirrahmanirrahim. 

 

These days, I've been getting this message a lot. From people closest to me. They keep telling me to always husnudzzhon with Allah The Almighty, and to always put my faith in Him and whatever His plans. 

Yes I know I should. Though I too know how hard it would. 

Bersangka baik dengan Tuhan jujurnya bukanlah sentiasa mudah. It may be easy at the beginning of things, but somehow as time passes and things keep happening, honestly I would find myself a little bit difficult in continuing to vest all my trust on Him. There, the doubt comes. 

Seringkalinya aku mengingatkan diri aku sendiri, ragu-ragu ini bukan kerana kuasanya Dia. Tapi kerana lemahnya aku. Dozens of questions would come and sit through in my mind all day, questioning myself. And of course, my faith too. Like, 

'Banyak sangat dosa ke dosa aku, Allah tak makbulkan pun doa aku?' 

'Banyak sangat ke dosa aku, Allah uji aku lagi?' 

'Tak berkat ke rezeki, diuji sebegini lagi?' 

'Layak ke aku ni? Macam too good to be true je semua ni.'

Ya tuan-tuan dan puan-puan. Nak sangka baik dengan ALLAH bukannya sentiasa mudah bagi aku. No matter whether it is raining and shining, ada aje doubt dalam diri. Dan aku ulang - doubt itu kerana aku sendiri. Mempersoalkan status aku pada Dia - tidak sekali-kali aku mempersoalkan perkasanya Dia untuk berbuat apa sahaja kepada aku; hambaNya. 

So many things happen these days and honestly, same things linger in my mind. Kali ni ujian besar sikit Tuhan kirimkan buat kami sekeluarga, membuatkan aku bertanya soalan yang level up sikit jugak kepada diri sendiri. 

'Kenapa aku? Kenapa keluarga aku? Kenapa ibu bapa aku? Doa kami tak cukup? Hina betul aku ni ya, doa aku tak dimakbul Tuhan.' 

Allah. 

Malu sungguh rasa bilamana terfikir macam ni. Sedangkan Hana selalu cakap pada aku - Tuhan tu tak perlu pun kita buat baik dengan Dia. Pengasihnya Dia, penyayangnya Dia pada hambaNya ini - tak perlu pun segala amal kebaikan kita. He will give whatever He wants to whoever He wishes to. Tak kisah orang tu solat ke tidak, solat awal ke solat lambat, solat tunai ke solat qadha. If He wishes to, He wills. No one can say no. And vice versa. Kalau Dia kata belum, no one can say yes it is the time! Belum. Tunggu dulu. Sabar dulu. Mungkin hasilnya lebih manis untuk kau nikmati. 

Ya. Semua ini dalam pengetahuan aku, lantas membuatkan aku berasa lebih malu. Kepada Dia. Susah benar mahu istiqamah, terus dan sentiasa bersangka baik dengan Dia, ya Yam ya? Kerapkali benar tergelincir hingga macam-macam kau fikir. Pada Allah, Tuhanmu yang Maha Pengasih, Maha Penyayang lagi Maha Mendengar itu, Maryam. 

Sangka baik dengan Allah, Maryam. 

Jangan putus asa berdoa, Maryam. 

Yakin ALLAH akan makbulkan doa anda, Maryam. 

Kerana itulah, kena sentiasa sangka baik dengan Allah - yang Maha Mendengar lagi Maha Mengetahui. 

It is not that He does not listen, it is not that He does not know. He listens very well, He knows even better than anyone/anything else. 

But He maybe has better plan for you. Maybe He is keeping the prayers to be answered at the most accurate time in your life. To which, sabar plays a very crucial role. 

Sabar, Maryam. 

Dan baiknya Tuhan pada aku, seperti selalu, Dia kirim pesanan lewat ilham kepada hamba-hambaNya yang lain, dalam menegur aku, atau mengingatkan aku tentang hakikat-hakikat ini yang sebenarnya sudah aku tahu. Tapi aku yang memilih untuk seolah-olah tidak tahu. 

Aku kongsikan di sini penulisan seorang hambaNya di laman Facebook, berkenaan urusan doa dan sangka baik manusia kepada Allah ini (link : Kenapa Allah Tidak Kabulkan Doa - Facebook Mohd Masri Mohd Ramli ) 

KENAPA ALLAH TIDAK KABULKAN DOA.

Saya sering mengulangi mesej yang sama setiap hari Jumaat. Iaitu kelebihan berdoa di hari Jumaat, terutamanya selepas waktu Asar.

Satu hari, saya mendapat satu komen yang bertalu-talu. Asalnya saya menyangka dia ingin bertanya apakah tips untuk doa lebih mustajab. Tetapi penghujungnya, dia menzahirkan putus asa kerana sudah banyak kali berdoa pada waktu yang mustajab yang disebutkan dalam hadis-hadis yang sahih, akan tetapi doanya tetap belum diterima.

Di sini saya kongsikan sedikit jawapan kepada kita semua yang menghadapi masalah yang sama.

1- Kita perlu berkeyakinan bahawa Allah akan menerima doa kita.

Firman Allah:

وَقَالَ رَبُّكُم ادْعُونِي أَسْتَجِبْ لَكُمْ إِنَّ الَّذِينَ يَسْتَكْبِرُونَ عَنْ عِبَادَتِي سَيَدْخُلُونَ جَهَنَّمَ دَاخِرِينَ

Dan Tuhanmu berfirman: Berdoalah kepada Ku, nescaya akan Ku perkenankan bagimu. Sesungguhnya orang-orang yang menyombongkan diri daripada menyembah Ku akan masuk neraka Jahannam dalam keadaan yang hina [Ghafir 40: 60]

وَإِذَا سَأَلَكَ عِبَادِي عَنِّي فَإِنِّي قَرِيبٌ أُجِيبُ دَعْوَةَ الدَّاعِ إِذَا دَعَانِ فَلْيَسْتَجِيبُوا لِي وَلْيُؤْمِنُوا بِي لَعَلَّهُمْ يَرْشُدُونَ

Dan apabila hamba-hamba Ku bertanya kepada mu tentang Aku, maka [jawablah], bahawa Aku adalah dekat. Aku mengabulkan permohonan orang yang berdoa apabila dia memohon kepada Ku, maka hendaklah mereka itu memenuhi [segala perintah] Ku dan hendaklah mereka beriman kepada Ku, agar mereka selalu berada dalam kebenaran. [Al-Baqarah 2:186]

2- Kekuatan doa itu banyak bergantung kepada sangkaan kita kepada Allah.

عَنْ أَبِي هُرَيْرَةَ رَضِيَ اللَّهُ عَنْهُ ، أَنَّ رَسُولَ اللَّهِ صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ ، قَالَ : " لَا يَقُولَنَّ أَحَدُكُمُ اللَّهُمَّ اغْفِرْ لِي إِنْ شِئْتَ ، اللَّهُمَّ ارْحَمْنِي إِنْ شِئْتَ لِيَعْزِمْ الْمَسْأَلَةَ ، فَإِنَّهُ لَا مُكْرِهَ لَهُ

Abu Hurairah radiallahu ‘anhu meriwayatkan Rasulullah sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam bersabda: Janganlah seseorang daripada kalian berkata: Ya Allah ampuni aku jika engkau Mahu. Ya Allah rahmati aku jika engkau Mahu. Hendaklah bersungguh-sungguh dalam berdoa. Sesungguhnya tiada siapa dapat memaksa Allah. [Sahih al-Bukhari, Kitab ad-Da’awat, hadis no: 5891]

عَنْ أَبِي هُرَيْرَةَ ، أَنّ رَسُولَ اللَّهِ صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ ، قَالَ : " يُسْتَجَابُ لِأَحَدِكُمْ مَا لَمْ يَعْجَلْ يَقُولُ : دَعَوْتُ فَلَمْ يُسْتَجَبْ لِي

Abu Hurairah radiallahu ‘anhu meriwayatkan Rasulullah sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam bersabda: Akan dijawab doa salah seorang daripada kalian selagi mana dia tidak tergesa-gesa, iaitu dengan berkata: Aku telah berdoa, tetapi tidak dimakbulkan. [Sahih al-Bukhari, Kitab ad-Da’awat, hadis no: 5892]

3- Apa yang kita sangka baik dalam diri kita boleh jadi hakikatnya tidak baik. Jadi Allah menggantikan dengan yang lebih baik.

عَنْ أَبِي سَعِيدٍ ، أَنّ النَّبِيَّ صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ قَالَ : " مَا مِنْ مُسْلِمٍ يَدْعُو بِدَعْوَةٍ لَيْسَ فِيهَا إِثْمٌ وَلَا قَطِيعَةُ رَحِمٍ ، إِلَّا أَعْطَاهُ اللَّهُ بِهَا إِحْدَى ثَلَاثٍ إِمَّا أَنْ تُعَجَّلَ لَهُ دَعْوَتُهُ ، وَإِمَّا أَنْ يَدَّخِرَهَا لَهُ فِي الْآخِرَةِ ، وَإِمَّا أَنْ يَصْرِفَ عَنْهُ مِنَ السُّوءِ مِثْلَهَا " ، قَالُوا : إِذًا نُكْثِرُ ؟ ، قَالَ : اللَّهُ أَكْثَرُ .

Abu Sa’id al-Khudri radiallahu ‘anhu meriwayatkan Nabi sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam bersabda: Tidaklah seorang Muslim berdoa dengan doa yang tidak mengandungi dosa dan memutuskan silaturahim, kecuali Allah akan memberikan kepadanya salah satu daripada tiga perkara berikut: (1) Akan disegerakan doanya itu, (2) ditangguhkan ke hari Akhirat, (3) dijauhkan keburukan semisalnya daripada orang yang berdoa. Para sahabat bertanya: Oleh kerana itu, kami perlu banyak berdoa? Baginda menjawab: Allah, pemberianNya lebih banyak [Musnad Ahmad, Musnad Abu Sa’id al-Khudri, hadis no: 10921, Shaikh al-Arnaouth berkata: Isnadnya jayyid]

4- Boleh jadi ada perbuatan-perbuatan haram kita yang membuatkan doa kita kurang berkesan.

عَنْ أَبِي هُرَيْرَةَ ، قَالَ : قَالَ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ : " أَيُّهَا النَّاسُ إِنَّ اللَّهَ طَيِّبٌ لَا يَقْبَلُ إِلَّا طَيِّبًا ، وَإِنَّ اللَّهَ أَمَرَ الْمُؤْمِنِينَ بِمَا أَمَرَ بِهِ الْمُرْسَلِينَ ، فَقَالَ : يَأَيُّهَا الرُّسُلُ كُلُوا مِنَ الطَّيِّبَاتِ وَاعْمَلُوا صَالِحًا إِنِّي بِمَا تَعْمَلُونَ عَلِيمٌ سورة المؤمنون آية 51 ، وَقَالَ : يَأَيُّهَا الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا كُلُوا مِنْ طَيِّبَاتِ مَا رَزَقْنَاكُمْ سورة البقرة آية 172 ، ثُمَّ ذَكَرَ الرَّجُلَ يُطِيلُ السَّفَرَ أَشْعَثَ أَغْبَرَ ، يَمُدُّ يَدَيْهِ إِلَى السَّمَاءِ يَا رَبِّ يَا رَبِّ ، وَمَطْعَمُهُ حَرَامٌ وَمَشْرَبُهُ حَرَامٌ وَمَلْبَسُهُ حَرَامٌ وَغُذِيَ بِالْحَرَامِ فَأَنَّى يُسْتَجَابُ لِذَلِكَ " .

Abu Hurairah radiallahu ‘anhu berkata: Rasulullah sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam bersabda: Wahai sekalian manusia, sesungguhnya Allah itu Baik, dan tidak menerima kecuali sesuatu yang baik jua. Sesungguhnya Allah menyuruh orang beriman dengan apa yang pernah disuruh kepada para rasul. Allah berfirman: Wahai para rasul. Makanlah daripada makanan yang baik-baik. Lakukanlah amal soleh. Sesungguhnya Aku mengetahui apa yang kalian lakukan. [Al-Mukminun: 51]. Firman Allah lagi: Wahai orang beriman, makanlah daripada makanan yang baik yang telah kami kurniakan kepada kalian. [Al-Baqarah : 172] Kemudian baginda menyebutkan tentang seorang lelaki yang bermusafir jauh. Keadaanya kusut masai dan diselaputi debu. Dia menadah tangannya ke langit dan menyebut ‘ Wahai tuhan, wahai Tuhan’, sedangkan makanannya haram, minumannya haram, pakaiannya haram. Lalu bagaimana mahu diterima (doanya) disebabkan keadaannya itu?

[Sahih Muslim, Kitab az-Zakat, hadis no: 1692]

Ibn al-Qayyim berkata:

وَالْأَدْعِيَةُ وَالتَّعَوُّذَاتُ بِمَنْزِلَةِ السِّلَاحِ ، وَالسِّلَاحُ بِضَارِبِهِ ، لَا بِحَدِّهِ فَقَطْ ، فَمَتَى كَانَ السِّلَاحُ سِلَاحًا تَامًّا لَا آفَةَ بِهِ ، وَالسَّاعِدُ سَاعِدُ قَوِيٍّ وَالْمَانِعُ مَفْقُودٌ؛ ، حَصَلَتْ بِهِ النِّكَايَةُ فِي الْعَدُوِّ وَمَتَى تَخَلَّفَ وَاحِدٌ مِنْ هَذِهِ الثَّلَاثَةِ تَخَلَّفَ التَّأْثِيرُ ، فَإِنْ كَانَ الدُّعَاءُ فِي نَفْسِهِ غَيْرَ صَالِحٍ ، أَوِ الدَّاعِي لَمْ يَجْمَعْ بَيْنَ قَلْبِهِ وَلِسَانِهِ فِي الدُّعَاءِ ، أَوْ كَانَ ثَمَّ مَانِعٌ مِنَ الْإِجَابَةِ ، لَمْ يَحْصُلِ الْأَثَرُ

Doa dan memohon perlindungan Allah itu umpama pedang. Pedang bergantung kepada orang yang menghunusnya, bukan sekadar kepada ketajaman bilahnya. Apabila pedang itu pedang yang sempurna tanpa kecacatan. Lengan yang memegangnya pula lengan yang kuat. Tiada pula perkara yang menghalang. Maka pedang itu berhasil mencederakan musuhnya. Apabila hilang salah satu daripada tiga perkara ini, maka hilanglah keberkesanan senjata itu. Begitu jugalah doa seandainya doa itu sendiri doa yang tidak elok. Atau orang yang berdoa itu tidak menggabungkan hati dan lisannya ketika berdoa. Atau apabila terdapat penghalang daripada terkabulnya doa, maka kesan doa itu tidak diperolehi. [Al-Jawab Al-Kafi]

Wallahua'lam.

#MMMR

***

Allah. 

Macam kena bertepek-tepek kat muka. 

Jujurnya, bila bercakap tentang doa - terlalu banyak perkara yang perlu diberikan perhatian. Adab berdoa, kandungan doa, keadaan hati bila menadah tangan meminta segala-galanya daripada Dia, keyakinan bahawa Dia akan memperkenankan doa kita tepat pada masanya. Terlalu banyak. 

Hence I believe there are so many rooms in me that I need to enhance and upgrade. Sungguh, bukan mudah. Namun, bukan mustahil. 

Sangka baik dengan Allah. 

Kalau dengan ALLAH pun susah nak sangka baik, apatah lagi dengan manusia-manusia si makhluk Allah ini semuanya Maryam? 

Hmm. 

Insha ALLAH. 

Ya, tahu. If He wills, insha ALLAH it wills. Tapi kalau Dia kata tidak, atau belum, no one can say yes. 

Okey. 

Also Yam, banyakkan istighfar. Moga ALLAH ampuni dosa dan dijauhkan daripada ragu-ragu, yang mana lohong kosong itulah memberi ruang kepada syaitan untuk terus cambahkan ragu-ragu itu dalam jiwa. Nauzubillahi min zalik. 

Semoga dipermudahkan urusan kita semua dalam menempuhi masa yang sukar ini. Aamiin insha ALLAH. 

Wassalam. 

Tulus, 

Maryam Jamilah 

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'O Allah, I dispose all affairs in You'

 These days, life has been teaching me a lot of lessons, and some of them - I learnt hard. 

Which among them is this lesson:

The authenticity of the sincerity my heart can give - whenever I tell my Lord; 'O Allah, I dispose all affairs in You' (refer Ali-Imran:173 - hasbunallahu wa ni'mal wakeel). 

MCO has made it difficult to most of us, if not all. Well because some might still enjoy the so called privileges and immunities not to be bound by the SOP fixed by the government. But most of us has been affected so badly from those SOP regarding MCO, including the interstate ban. 

It has been such a very big issue for us, travellers who travel for work, as well as who travel away from home. PDRM's endorsement/consent is mandatory, failing which we might be denied from travelling, or worse, get compounded. 

Alhamdulillah things were not as like this before. Everything was under control and though not being able to go home and visit my parents as frequent as before MCO, I was still able to calm myself. 

But not anymore these days. My mother who has always been suffering knee pain, now too are having fever. She got her 1st dose vaccination last week and her fever is yet to be gone. And that worries us, her children, so much. Which is why I wanted to go home so badly but I just cannot.... 

Kelantan has been declared as a PKP state, now that most of its districts are under red zone. Pasir Mas somemore, is the second district in Kelantan which has a high daily cases. Selangor pun tak nak kalah, even yesterday recorder more than 1k case. Both are red zone states which worry me more. Who knows that I might be bringing home 'unnecessary thing' (the virus) without my myself realizing it, or vice versa. 

Which this fact leaves me flustered and frustrated. 

I feel so bad for my mother and father that I could not go home to visit them after so long, in the month of Ramadhan somemore, and that Syawal is approaching somemore. But I will feel worse shall I cause them to suffer unnecessary thing. 

This is the moment when I truly appreciate the meaning of disposing all affairs to ALLAH SWT, whereby I have no authority at all to control things and occurences in my life. Everything comes from ALLAH, and to ALLAH too they shall return. Everything is planned and decided by Him The Almighty, and He too will be the one that solves everything. 

Hence, I hold no power at all. No control. No authority. ALLAH solely has it, which to Him I shall always request. 

To take care of my parents when I cannot do that from here. 

To protect my parents from everything, which I cannot do that from this far. 

To shield them in the possible way when I cant even go close to them. 

To ease their matters in the best way when I cannot do much here. 

To calm their heart when I cannot do so. 

To perish them always, much more than I could 

To prepare them away from any difficulties and/or with anyone in any situation. 

Insha ALLAH aamiin aamiin. 

Dear heart, please sincerely do so. To dispose ALL our affairs to ALLAH, that only He can decide and fix. 

Regards, 

Maryam Jamilah 

19 Ramadhan 1442 H 

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 It has been a while since my last visit to the Court, physically. Since the pandemic strikes and the enforcement of series of MCO(s), almost all court matters were conducted via online means, if not being postponed to the next following date. 

So last Tuesday, since Selangor has become a PKPB state instead of PKP, the Court has resumed its physical operation and as such, our attendance to the court has become necessary. So that Tuesday morning, I went to the Court, greeted the Jurubahasa and Bailif who were on duty, small chitchats then waited for our case to be called. 

While waiting, a man wearing black and white together with a robe came into the courtroom and headed towards the staff's table. I heard the conversation and immediately understood that he was the plaintiff's solicitor, whose Defendant's solicitor of the case has informed the court last minute (at 10pm last night) that he was unable to attend today's matter due to the reason that he is tested positive Covid-19. He also enclosed his MC, but then we all were made to understand that the MC was actually produced by the Defendant's clinic. The man; the Plaintiff's solicitor indeed seemed unhappy with that situation, requested the case to be called anyway for him to 'meet' the Honorable judge. And immediately the Jurubahasa agreed. 

Therefore, his case was called before us, despite he came in later than us. 

'I hope you don't mind, it will be just a short housekeeping.' the man said to us, his fellow junior lawyers who were sitting and waiting there. 

The judge entered and indeed his case was called first. He stood up very confidently and spoke to Yang Arif very eloquently that I envied him again because of that. 

I envied him at first when he spoke to the court staffs, and they were so obedient and so happy to fulfil his request of meeting the judge in spite of absence of his opponent, and few other matters. And now that he spoke very fluently to YA regarding all the arising issues between him and his opponent, also making some requests some more, really put me in awe. 

I said to myself that day that as much as I actually wanted to quit, to call it off and to cut ties with this profession - every single day in my life - there is some part in me as well who wish to stay in the practice for so long until I become like that senior lawyer, who seemed to have nothing to fear of. He was so confident and upright, as if whatever he is saying is correct and nothing but the truth. YA was indeed convinced by him and that made him looked more awesome. 

While a little eaglet like me will be having a lot of problems, even with the court staffs for certain issues, whatmore to elegantly speak before Yang Arif, speaking of the things me myself is not confident to spout. 

Allahu. 

Indeed I still have a LOT to learn :') 

Whatever it is, selamat maju jaya Yam :D 

Regards,

Maryam Jamilah 

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For your future reference, Maryam :)

 "How many years you have been on practice ye Maryam?" tiba-tiba beliau bertanya di hujung talian.  

"Eh, saya baru lagi, Mr S. Very young lawyer, unlike you - very senior one, Sifu." sempat saya berseloroh dalam berhati-hati menyusun kata. No matter how nice and friendly he is, I shall never put my guard down even when speaking only over the phone with my opponent lawyer. Bukanlah nak sangka buruk dengan orang, cuma that is how our profesion works :D

"No, seriously. You dah berapa lama praktis?" he repeated the question very eagerly. 

"I am just entering my second year, Mr S." monoton. Cuba untuk yakin, namun rasanya tak kedengaran berapa yakin haha. He is someone who has been in practice for sometimes around 15 years. I am actually honored to be in the same court, fighting over the same case with him, though being his oppponent. 

"Really? Are you serious? You baru nak masuk second year ke?" ulang dia, sungguh beriya-iya. Adui. 

"Iya, Mr S. Saya baru setahun lebih praktis."

"You know, I told my co-counsel the other day we met at court Melaka, Mr I tu, that you look so so matured. Macam bukan baru praktis setahun dua." 

I dont know whether this gentleman is sugarcoating things ke apa. I know maybe I should not, but I still want to take that as compliment. Ha ha. Coming from my opponent lawyer, it feels good somehow. As if being acknowledged. Walaupun he may just be polite or be kind towards his young junior member of the Bar, still I want to put it down here :) 

***

"Alah, cantiknya. Hmm Kak Maz suka dengar awak berhujah." di suatu pagi yang hening, tiba-tiba salah seorang warga ofis berkata kepada saya ketika saya sedang bersiap untuk menghadiri satu bicara secara atas talian. Pantas saya menoleh kepadanya, sambil tangan masih membetulkan kot dan bib di leher. 

"Eh? Kak Maz tak pernah dengar saya berhujah pun kan? Janganlah usik saya macamtuu." mungkin kerana debaran, saya terasa Kak Maz seperti mengusik sebenarnya. 

"Eh, tak. Betul ni. Pernah lah akak dengar awak berhujah. Mungkin bukan dengan Mahkamah, tapi dengan Bos ke..." saya terdiam. Teringat yang sebulan dua sejak PKPB/PKP ini, Boss memang selalu berada di common room ini, dan hanya sesekali berada di biliknya. Jadi, diskusi untuk fail-fail kesemuanya di common room ini, tak kisahlah fail korporat, hartanah atau litigasi. Hatta Kak Maz selaku pengurus Harta Intelek (department Intelectual Property) pun kena dengar sama diskusi-diskusi tersebut. 

"Eh, tak adalah Kak Maz. Biasa-biasa je. Kak Maz mesti pernah jumpa peguam yang lagi handal. Saya ni baru sangat lagi." macam biasalah, ni bukan ayat merendah diri. Tapi ayat sedar diri! Saya merujuk kepada fakta bahawa Kak Maz ni sebenarnya baru join kami awal tahun ni, dan beliau pernah bekerja di firma-firma yang lebih besar berbanding firma kami. 

"Yang handal tu dah pernah jumpa. Tapi susah nak jumpa peguam yang Kak Maz boleh kagum. Awak lah tu." komen Kak Maz ringkas. Dan mungkin sekali lagi Kak Maz cuma cuba untuk menjadi ramah dan baik, tapi tetap hati kecil ini mahu menerima pujiannya itu :) 

***

"You dah berapa lama praktis ya Maryam?" tanya Puan Z sambil kami menunggu giliran kes kami dipanggil bagi pengurusan kes di hadapan Tuan Penolong Kanan Pendaftar (PKP) di Mahkamah. This was back then in 2019, when the cases kebanyakannya memang physical appearance compared to now semua nak kena online. Ereview lah, skype lah, zoom lah, exchange email lah :'D

"Saya baru nak dekat setahun puan. Still in my first year." Masa ni lagi segan nak bagitahu Puan Z ni. She has been practising for 20 years. Back then she was attending the pengurusan case being the lawyer for Defendant, and I was representing the Plaintiff. Kau bayangkan gap tuuu. Masha ALLAH. 

"Really? I didnt expect that. You look so confident!" saya pandang muka Puan Z yang senyum mesra. Ya Tuhan, izinkan aku berbangga dengan diri ini ketika mendengar kata-kata ini. 

"Yeke puan? Saya tengah menggigil ni." I chose to joke around to handle the compliment, that she laughed. 

"Dont worry. Itu biasa. Saya pun masih lagi rasa nervous kadang-kadang." rileks beliau tabur nasihat. Maklumlah, dah 20 tahun praktis! 

***

Those are among examples and experiences that I encountered, being a lawyer for setahun lebih ni. Ada banyak lagi, tapi ini yang akan diingati rasanya haha. Bila baca balik mesti korang rasa macam, ewah Maryam ni, dahagakan pujian ke? My answer will be no. Bosses saya juga pemurah dengan pujian, and teammates/officemates also always full with kata-kata semangat.

Tapi bila dengar benda-benda macam ni unexpectedly from unexpected person, rasa macam satu accomplishment. They need not to do that pun, but they still do anyway. 

Dan ini antara perkara yang membuatkan saya rasa bidang guaman is an inetresting field to explore. Kau gaduh pumpam pumpam dalam Mahkamah, dalam emel, dalam surat dengan kau punya opponent. But when it comes to talking over the phone or face to face conversation, the senior lawyers, mostly (:D) have been soooo nice and kind. 

Like Mr S, "yelah extension of time. I tak kisah lah Maryam. Kalau I pun I mintak extension, macam I minta haritu yang you all tak bagi tuu. Tapi I faham jee. Kalau I jadi u pun I x bagi extension macam tuu." 

He was so funny over the phone, albeit so challenging to handle during the trial/hearing hehe (with all due respect sir, this is a compliment to you :D). And he was being so understanding with all the refusal we said to him over his applications etc. 

'It's okay Maryam. I understand. If I were you pun I buat macam tu. Tak apa. I buat kerja I, you pun buat kerja you. We both have clients. We both have works and amanah to fulfill. Kita tengok rezeki siapa." 

He sounded so positive and full with empathy. I would not say I have fallen for his words, that I put my guards down when I was communicating with him. Just mentioning here to commemorate his generosity and probably something I can learn to when I am to be a senior lawyer in the future : )

And here I am writing all these for my future reference and assurance, in case the doubt comes, again. If again I ask myself, why would u want to be a lawyer? Atau, will you quit from being a lawyer? 

Ini baru cerita tentang peguam pihak lawan dan orang-orang sekeliling. Belum lagi cerita tentang kebaikan anak guam etc. Masha ALLAH. 

Maryam, come back here and read this. Remember all the moments that you feel so accomplished and acknowledged. The moment you feel so appreciated. The feeling of satisfaction when all the hard work paid off. The feeling of satisfaction when you can discharge you duty very well and your client is so happy with you. And how you make your bosses and colleagues proud of you. And how you make you yourself proud of you. Your parents? Worry not. They are always proud of u no matter what you do. 

Selamat maju jaya, Maryam. Dont feel weak. No one can belittle nor degrade you. You are amazing and you are going to be amazing, always insha ALLAH :)

Love, 

Maryam Jamilah. 

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Things I learn In a Hard Way Part 1

Point number 1. 

Indefinite hurts badly. 

You dont know how things happen. You dont think when things happen. You dont realize why things happen. What went wrong. And worst part is, you will never know how to cure this kind of disease. Neither will you know when this all will end. Maybe in an hour. Or maybe tonight. Or tomorrow. Or next week. Meanwhile, you will feel lost. Total lost. Which may result total damage.

Thus you keep bleeding inside, being at your lowest point without anyone can offer any help to you, because u yourself dont even know - where is actually the hurting part. 

Thus this lesson of indefinite, you learn the things indeed, in a very hard, difficult and complex way. 

My dear, when this happens, pick every piece of yourself. Even the tiniest little thing. Keep holding to that, and keep walking. Calmly. Hold grudge, if u need to. Let the grudge off slowly on your way to be better. Inhale, though it feels cramped inside. Exhale, though it feels choked at your throat. Inhale again, imagining to travel the oxygen though out every vessel of your body. Exhale again, imagining that you do not only exhale carbon dioxide, but also all the venomous things inside you. 

Let those indefinite things to sometimes visit you. What is definite, remains. That you are way more awesome than you think you are. 

That's definitely, girl! 

xo,

Maryam Jamilah 

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MRO Day 23 - Adam Mujahid

Hi there.

So this time around, ceritanya pasal Adam Mujahid.
Sedikit biodata Bang Adam ni adalah beliau sekarang berumur 6 tahun, anak sulung daripada 3 adik-beradik. Abang kepada CahMerah, 2 tahun dan Ammar Mujaddid, 20 hari++ :D

Cerita dia, sejak-sejak MRO ni, kami dah tak boleh ke masjid depan rumah ni untuk solat jemaah. Pagar masjid akan ditutup, and cuma azan yang berkumandang. Alternatifnya, ayah adakan solat jemaah di ruang tamu rumah. Maghrib Isyak, Subuh wajib. Zuhur dan Asar ikut kelapangan masing2. Tapi alhamdulillah, lekat amalan tu daripada awal MRO sehinggalah ke hari ini. Ini pun salah satu hikmah MRO juga saya kira, sebab sebelum ni kami sekeluarga jarang solat jemaah sama-sama semuanya sebab yang lelaki mostly akan solat di masjid.

Adam Mujahid ni dia ada peel yang lepas je bagi salam selesai solat, terus dia terjah iPad dia. Eyy la budak ni. Nasib belum mumayyiz benar, kalau tak maunya kena geletek dengan Che Sue. Tapi suatu malam, ketika Adam Mujahid bergegas nak bangun menuju ke iPad beliau lepas selesai solat, segera tangan dia ditangkap dan dia, saya riba.

Menggelepar dia kejap sambil kena geletek, sebab dia nak melepaskan diri. Long story short, sampai part doa, saya suruh dia doa jugak.Sebab saya kata, dalam doa ni kita boleh minta apa aje dengan Tuhan. Rezeki - duit, mainan, makanan semuanyalahhh contoh yang best saya bagi. Dia diam sekejap. Tak meronta dah. Alah, meronta pun bukan yang macam menggelupur gitu. Acah-acah meronta je sambil sengih ketawa gelak sebab dia tahu dia sedang cuba buat benda yang tak sepatutnya dia buat.

Pastu saya tanya, 'Adam nak doa apa?'

Dia jeda seketika, sebelum jawab sambil mata dia terarah ke almari buku Atuk dia nan tinggi (6-7 tingkat punya almari buku), 'Adam nak doa supaya ada angin boleh tiupkan kapal terbang Adam ke bawah.'

Langsung, dia tadah tangan elok-elok dan berbisik dalam doanya, exactly apa yang dia cakap dia nak tu. Bisik yang jenis nak suruh orang dengar tuu. Haha

Refleks, saya ketuk dagu dia. Itu aje dia mintak? Dia gelak-gelak lagi, dan lepas habis doa, dia lolos lalu tenggelam dalam dunia iPad. Tapi saya masih termangu, memikirkan 'doa' Adam tadi.

Senang kan menjadi kanak-kanak? Polos aje doanya. Ringkas dan mudah. Nak minta apa ya? Ha, minta anginlah. Supaya tiupkan kapal terbang kertas Adam yang tersangkut kat atas tu jatuh ke bawah. Supaya boleh main lagi.

Tapi kita, orang dewasa ni, doa tu macam-macam pesen dan jenis. Habis ratib semua nama dan perkataan, menghambakan diri kepada Tuhan, Tuan yang sejak azali hingga mati, moga sudi dimakbulkan doa kita, kerana kita tahu pendosa seperti kita ni, ada mungkinnya doa terhalang. Lalu kita minta siap2 kepada Dia, agar Dia dengar doa kita.  Lalu kita minta macam2 - rezeki; kerja, jodoh, keluarga, kawan2, pengajian etc, keberkatan ; umur, masa, duit, tenaga etc, dan bermacam lagi.

Sebab kita tahu, susahnya menjadi dewasa. Semakin besar kita, semakin banyak keperluan, kemahuan dan kehendak kita, maka doa menjadi semakin panjang.

Maka sewajarnya, ibadah juga bertambah la kan? Sebab nak minta banyak2 dengan Tuhan ni, takkan nak ibadat sikit2 ciput2 hujung2 waktu je kan?

Sampai kat sini fikirannya, saya rasa sakit. Adalah tu sebab apa-apa doa kita belum dimakbulkan. Mungkin kita banyak sangat dosa, mungkin kita masih ada rasa kuasa sedangkan semuanya milik Dia, mungkin kita masih belum cukup menjadi dan berasa hamba, atau mungkin juga kita minta sesuatu yang kita belum perlu, atau sesuatu yang kita takkan perlu. Rahsia ALLAH semua tu. Takpe, itu kerja Dia. Jangan kita ganggu gugat. Kita settlekan part kita sebagai hamba (abid) - dengan beribadat padanya.

Insha ALLAH aamiin.

Terima kasih, Adam, bagi pengajaran secara tak langsung kepada Che Sue.

So lepasni, cerita MRO siapa yang kita akan kupaskan dan abadikan di sini? Heheh

Wassalam. 

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MRO Day 19 - Along

Hi there.

So I've decided to write whatever I find memorable during this MRO period here, for future reading, simply because things are sometimes too private to be shared at Facebook, or too long for Instagram and Twitter.

So today is the 19th day of MRO, and it is about Abdullah Fathi aka Along, one of my nephews.

I've always known that he is a secretive boy. He doesnt speak much usually, but when he does, he does. He also always asks question randomly that sometimes I am impressed with him and thinking ability for a 10 year old boy.

But today, the fact that he does not really share what bothers him, hits me extra hard. He looked unhappy, in fact a bit upset this evening, when he usually will be very happy and cheerful alongside his cousins, Mal and Eam. So I asked him why. And his answer like slapping right into my face.

"Along taknak cerita masalah Along dengan orang lain. Nanti Along selesaikan sendiri."

I was left speechless for a moment. After gasping some air and looking for ideas to reply, I told him,

"Ada benda kita boleh simpan, ada benda kita kena kongsi." I still couldnt believe that I have to say that to a 10 y/o boy. He just stared at me blankly, not intending to reply me anything. After a while, he left. Sitting alone at the couch, and I didnt mean to disturb him. A while later, he came, looking as usual; fine and happy.

Masha ALLAH.

I seriously felt like an useless aunt, who cannot do anything to help my nephew. I didnt know whether he fought with his other cousins, or he got scolded by my sister, or  he was unhappy with what exactly. He didnt allow me to help him and that frustrated me the most. He didnt trust me to share the concerns that bother him, and that upsets me in a sad way. And the fact he came back looking fine saddened me more that my nephew has to sort things out by himself, in whatever way only God knows.

Anyway, may ALLAH ease your matter boy. Whatever happens, I love you and you can always count on me on ANYTHING, my dear.

I truly believe that this MRO, among others, gives me opportunity to know my family members better and closer. Perhaps the opportunity that we will not be getting in usual days.

Whatever it is - alhamdulillah. In spite of this MRO, we might be enjoying something we do not even realize. It is on us to whether appreciate it or ignore it.

Again, Long, Che Sue loves u tau!

( Along - at the left- with Eam)

Bye for now. 

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Sinful entry.

Hey there :)

Why is this a sinful entry? Because I am writing it at the office, in the middle of my office hour, when I am supposed to do my work in order for me to get blessed rezeki.

:'D

More precise, I am in the middle of preparing a submission. More precise than that - I am doing a research on cases that I can use as the authority in my submission.

But you see - it is not easy. I have to try hundreds of keyword, read hundreds of cases for me to find at least one that is most suited with my point in the submission. How to use it properly to support, not merely as a shield to defense. Nasib baik, I can find one or two. Nasib tak baik - I have to opt for something else - which might be persuasive je, not authoritative. Which I can only invite or persuade the court to believe in what I am saying, not to convince the court.

And now people are questioning why the legal fees are so expensive. There was once or twice kot, seasonal weeks where we had to go home late. Stuck in the office, doing submission, and amending it few times just to make it soooo perfect that the judge will be attracted to keep reading, evaluating and treasuring it - ALL for the sake of the clients. Masa tu client maybe tengah tidur? Atau makan? When all we (I) did was a short nap after maghrib, sementara tunggu isyak and to work in the submission again until midnight. Phew.

I became to appreciate each and every word in the submission after I tried making one. Seriously, it was not only time consuming, but energy and motivation consuming. You got to be ready to spend your whole day at your desk, before the computer, clicking here and there, typing here and there, reading here and there to create a quality outcome. And when it is finished, and you thought it to be your masterpiece - no, your boss didnt approve it. You gotta spend some more time on some more research to amend the cause papers accordingly. Then only you may take necessary steps afterwards.

You might have to go and meet Commissioner for Oath first to get the paper affirmed, such as afidavits - of course with your client. You also need to get the affirmation for each exhibit you are enclosing as your supporting documents - which each will cost you more. Your time, your transportation shall be calculated too.

Then you come back to office to file it. If no problem with the website, then u are good to go. But that device always have something to do with me - so I always engage into problems with it - like it cannot upload any document, or it cannot sign, etc. Eurgh. Have no idea what I am saying here? If you are no legal eaglet, nahh it's okay. You dont want to understand this complexity.

Thennnn once u are done with the filing - it's time to serve to your opponent. We may try the softcopy first - the email and maybe fax as well - to expedite the service. BUT in most times, instant hardcopy service is compulsory so especially when it's almost due, you yourself have to go and serve the hardcopy to the opponent without having the luxury to wait for your despatch to go instead. Why? Because it is a battle against time, losing which, losing the next battle as well.

Anddd bear in your mind - lawyers do the photocopying and binding as well. We might have staffs, but we might not have, or the staffs may not be available at the moment. Hence, the episode of picking a fight with the photocopy machine as well as declaring war with the binding machine then begins. You have no idea how complex the fights are - but I do not really like this part - especially if the cause papers are so thick. Be it as it may - I still have to complete it anyway.

Phew.

Sent all documents - to opponent, and sometimes to court as well. What's next? Wait for the next date, maybe for decision, maybe for clarification or any other necessary case management, or whatever it is as the court directs. And when the date comes - attend the court matters, then only deliver the outcome to the client.

And that is the only time the client knows that we are working on his file.

My boss always tells us this - being in this field means we take our client's problem as ours. We get less sleep instead of them. We have less time to spend instead of them. We have more worries instead of them. We do more things instead of them.

Why?

They pay us to do so.

So please ladies and gentlemen - be generous with the legal fee. It is not that I am asking you to pay more, or telling you not to ask for discount - though legally and ethically speaking, you are not allowed to ask and we lawyers are not allowed to give any discount - but please treasure and appreciate our works. We do not simply take your case and bring it to the court. We do so much with the documentation, research, methodology, strategy, meetings, discussions etc in order to ensure you get what you deserve. You get to claim your right that you think you are so entitled of. Please do not degrade the works that we've been doing for you - for we have adopted your problem to be ours. For what you have to pay is not only our action - but our service comprises of our time with family, our energy that can actually be spent on something else, as well as our mental health that we can preserve shall we are not being indulged in other people's troubles.

We are doing things to make ends meet too, like other people do. We are working. We are using our experience, knowledge and some of us, expertise. If you do not question one doctor's price who you know is so expertise in his field, why would you question a legal fee of an experience lawyer? Like my boss la. Not me. Sebab I hanyalah rookie lawyer yang baru nak bertatih agituu.

But with all due respect - never once I mean that justice is only for people with money. No, because no money can buy law neither justice. That is totally another branch of discussion, which has no relation to what I am ranting here at the moment. Please do not get me wrong, unless you really intend to, purposely.

Fuhh.

Let's end the sinful entry here which has already been almost a pillow talk session haha. Got to replace/substitute this very moment I am taking away from my office hour. Semoga diganti masa dengan kerja yg lebih berkualiti, agar rezeki lebih diberkati gitu. No more stuck in anything - I shall get back to focus to my submission and authority :)

Wallahu'alam, wassalam.

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Yam's Road to Pupillage

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

Assalamualaikum wbt.

It's April already, which means that I have finished my law school two months ago. I precisely finished my last paper for my final examination at the end of January, then February and March have been months that gave me so many life lessons, which some of them I already learnt during my previous years. Somehow a revision, I can say.

The ending of the law school for a law student like me means to take another step in life - chambering/pupillage. A phase which is very crucial to every law student who wishes to practice afterwards in the legal world.

Somehow, it has been a competition, to those who take that as a race. Who got the firm quickly right after finishing the law school. Who got the firm which actively does every branch of law, such as conveyancing, litigation, corporate etc, or who got the firm which does the branch of law that they want to. Who got the firm which pays more. Who is happier at the firm.Who gets best master in the world who will supervise the 9 months perios of pupillage. Who is better at this, who is better at that etc.

Some will choose to take some time off to cool down after the battle with the subjects during the final examination. As for me, my original plan was to commence my pupillage as soon as possible, which was to be at February. I wished to be called to the bar within this year, so I can struck one thing off of my wish list.

However it did not happen that way. Despite had been sending my resume to the potential firms that I've been eyeing for some time, I still did not get any reply from any of the firm - be it any email, or phone call, whatmore an invitation to interview. That lasted until February. After coming back from Jakarta, which was a family trip that I am so thankful for - I tried harder and harder just to ensure that at least I will get calls for interviews.

And then, the first call came in from a firm which was located nearby my shared house. I was so happy, and at the same time, was so nervous that I could not sleep, talk nor eat properly before the IV. I prepared a lot by reading newspaper, to ensure that I kept myself updated with the current issues.

It was a normal experience. They said to call me the next day if I got the offer. I anticipated it somehow, and the next day felt so long for me to finish, but no call was received. And that became my first failure in interview.

The first that later followed by the second, third and later on. To note, as of March, I have been sending my resume to 30 firms, which only 8 of them called me up for interview. Failed 6 of them, 1 of them wished to have 'cheap labor' by paying me only some amount of money for my duit minyak despite of being a successful law firm in a big city, and another one, which is the one that I accepted the offer after quite some time of consideration, willing to facilitate me with almost everything that I might be needed to have a condusive environment of pupillage at her law firm.

I wish to say that there is no determined format for an interview. The basic would be - to prepare mentally and physically for the interview, come early, dress properly etc. BUT there will be differences - in the sense that some of the interviewer might be asking you mind-challenging questions, but some will not. Some will be interested to know about you, but some will be only interested in telling you about they themselves and the firm. Some will be very serious and some will be very lay back. Some will be very happy to chit chat with you, going with the flow of conversation, but some will be very prepared with interview questions that they will stick to the questions no matter what. Some will require you to fill in forms and answer questions/test, but some will not even print out the resume and cover letter that you sent them. Some will interview you individually, but some may want to have their partners to interview you.

See.

Too many patterns and various style of interview.

So, what you have to do?

Just go to the interviews, answer questions, and meet the firm/master that you think suit yourself the most. And here is one expensive tips ; just be yourself. Don't ever think to change your virtue just to satisfy people who have potential to be your employer in the future. You will suffer along the period of employment, losing your self-faith and pride of yourself.

Don't be like that.

Even me, I have been told so many times, in one of the interview, that I am too honest, that they  cannot bear to offer me the pupillage because of my honesty. Too many times in such a short moment of interview, at the point that it crossed my mind that I am a criminal for being too honest. They, who disvalued my honesty, even rejected me in front of my eyes and ears. But because of my honesty as well, that I kept afterwards, even after the interview, has become a point for me to get accepted at the firm which offered me the pupillage. She told me to be frank with her, and I did, so she said she was very happy with me. Me? Much more. Because I know it is not only me that she wants, but my honesty that I have with me. That's it.

My friends and I have been in talks about spiritual so many times, especially the time when we supported and comforted each other, every time we didn't get the offer from the firm that we wished to.

One of the wisdom words I will always remember is that - we asked the best from Him. To place us at the best place with the best master, to bless us with the best firm which has the best environment that will be the best for we ourselves, our religion etc.

But honey, being the best will not necessarily mean that everything will go smoothly after you got the offer. It may be difficult, it is not impossible to be hard and difficult, HOWEVER, that is when you will learn. That is why you will learn things. That is how you will appreciate things and people. And that is how you are going to be thankful to Him.

I am nervous, to be honest, to begin my pupillage this upcoming Wednesday. I asked around, and my dear friends will say it is normal. I hope so, because even today is only Sunday, my heart is beating like crazy that I do not know how to control it.

These February and March have given so many new experiences and feelings to me. That I have never felt before. Being rejected, being dejected, being sad with everybody, being upset with you yourself, not being able to feel anything anymore that you do not care about a thing at all anymore, even feeling humiliated, and so many more unexplanable feelings and tastes of life. Nonetheless, I believe I learnt a lot too. Things that were difficult for me to handle, have become things that I have seen the wisdom behind it. Things that I am very worried about, have become solved matters, yet I still have things that I will be worried about.

I guess it is one of the chapters in my life. Alhamdulillah only a two-months worth chapter. I am glad that regardless of getting the offer late, it is only as late as two months. I do not know how well I will cope if it becomes more than that. I afraid that I will lose faith, probably not with Him, but with me myself, that I hope I will never will. Passed that two months, I now can clearly see the wisdom behind the things that had happened for the past months. Alhamdulillah, I cannot stop being grateful to Him that I still can deliciously taste His love despite what has happened.

I humbly seek prayers and kind du'as from you guys who might be reading this blog, at this point, at this time. I am a person with so many doubts, fears, thoughts and worries, which some of them might be unnecessary, which will tire me out everyday. I am not a risk taker, I afraid of the result that may not be in my favor, which is the reason why it is very hard for me to make any decision.

But somehow I believe I can channel myself some good thoughts, despite what happened. I am a someone who probably still can think positively no matter how bad the things are. A person who will say that in the event that I lost some money, it is actually how ALLAH SWT wishes to purify my property. A person who will say that in the event that a parking lot that I've been waiting for is snatched by other people who has just arrived, I am going to get a better parking lot in a while, or that person might need the parking lot more urgent than me. A person like that, I am.

You know how difficult to be one like that, kan? HAHA. So kindly please please please pray for me that everything will go nicely between my master and I for these 9 months of pupillage. So that my brother's family whom I will be living with will be happy to have me around, that I will not be of any burden to them. So that I will be a stronger person whenever things go harder. So that I can be a more grateful person. So that my master can accept my mistakes and tolerate them nicely. So that I will not be doing something that will affect my life terribly.

Semoga.


Thank you so much for reading, and may this be a good read for me in the future.


And lastly, humbly please pray for me, as well as these fellow friends-in-law of mine, to be good lawyers (or legal practitioner), fiddunya wal akhirah.
Aamiin.

[ Photo taken during Afham and Mira's longcall at KL High Court, 12th March 2018 ]

Semoga berbalik doa yang baik-baik kepada anda juga.
Thanks in advance!


Wassalam :)

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G-Day! [ Yam's Graduation Day and some useful tips for IIUM convocation ceremony]

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

Alhamdulillah thumma alhamdulillah. Wahh dak-dak UIA sangat tau hahaha. So, lebih kurang 10hari lepas, pada tanggal 13 November 2017 bersamaan hari Isnin, alhamdulillah diizinkan Tuhan untuk menempuhi istiadat konvokesyen UIA yang kali ke-33.

Jumaat tu kecoh UIA banjir, sebab hujan lebat non stop for hours. Yam pun nasib baik keluar awal sikit jeee daripada UIA, dalam jam 3.30pm, tu pun dah menempuh air depan Mahallah Safiyyah. Tapi pukul 4.30pm tu dengar ceritanya lagi dahsyat. Macam biasalah, depan KAED tu memang air masuk sampai ke dalam kereta. Masha ALLAH. Moga dipermudahkan urusan mereka yang terjejas kerana banjir kilat tuu.

Maka, kami para graduan ni dah cuak. Jumaat banjir, Sabtu tu hari pertama konvokesyen. Minta jauhlahhh hujan lebat, apatah lagi banjir. Lecak depan IIUM Cultural Center (IIC which formerly known as CAC Hall) tu, maka tak seronoklah hari graduasi. Apatah lagi kalau banjir.

Sabtu, hujan lagiii. Tapi tak banjir. Ahad, hujan jugak. Tapi dah berkurang. Isnin, alhamdulillah sangat, panas ceng-ceng, lit-lit. Selasa tu pulak baru start hujan. Subhanallah, ALLAH punya kerja. Terima kasih dak-dak UIA yang sudi mendoakan kelancaran majlis. Bukan apa, selain para graduan, kesian juga dekat ibu bapa yang jauh-jauh datang nak tengok anak konvo, sekali hujan lebat ke banjir ke, tak ke syahdu :(

Okey, back to my session.

Last day, yeap. Last session, yes. Sesi petang. Memang agak tak favor sesi petang ni, sebab selain nak masuk dewan tu rushing dengan solat Zuhur, bila keluar dewa tuu rushing dengan solat Asar pulak. Tapi takpelah, tak hujan pun dah cukup besar nikmat, maka kita redhakan sahaja :)

Since session Yam hari Isnin, memang dah rasa sayu syahdu nian hati ini sebab dapat agak dah, abang kakak yang bekerja berkemungkinan besar tak boleh hadir - susah kot nak cuti. Plus ni konvo je kan, so watlek watkul je okey. Bukan semua pun boleh masuk dewan tengok konvo, kalau ambil cuti dan datang pun, kena berpanas pulak haa. Kesian, dengan budak-budak lagi. So, Yam dah pesan pada diri sendiri, jangan nak excited sangat haha. Baju konvo pun buat guna kain sulam beli kat Bandung yang kebetulan gi jahit. Terjadi lah ia sebagai baju konvo yang Yam tak plan langsung pun mwehehe.

Photoshoot konvo pun kongsi ramai-ramai dengan kekawan. Takde maknanya nak bayar Rm150/jam untuk shoot sensorang. Minta tolong junior Rai je, bayar dalam rm10 je sorang untuk 2jam mwahahaha. Okaylah tu, daripada awal-awal tuu, I didnt even think to hire any photohgrapher. Tapi lepastu tetap semangat tangkap gambar guna phone, like hundreds of pics. Hiks.

Ya anak-anak, adik-adik. Bukan senang nak konvo. Kau kena isi borang tu borang ni, kena selalu updated dengan tarikh ambil jubah, hantar jubah apa semua tu. Kena fikir baju, photoshoot and some even consider make up. Akak faham dik, kau tunggu like 5-6 years since foundation for your graduation day (will be referred as G-day as of afterwards), so wajarlah kau nak berhias diri sikit daripada hari kebiasaan. Silakan, silakan. Tapi jangan sesekali kecam orang pemalas cam akak ni yang tetap tepek bedak Johnson Baby je kahkah pastu mulalah by evening keluar dewan tuu muka serupa teh ais kelat huks

Pastuuu ada juga kekawan kau yang prepare convo gifts, so as courtesy kau mesti rasa nak membalasnya kan. Yam pun preparelah sesikit dengan rakan -rakan terdekat, selagi mampu. Yang belum dapat anything daripada Yam tu, doakan Yam murah rezeki, nanti sebelum grad LLBS, Yam kasi dekat semua orang yaaa insha ALLAH :D *ayat selamat*

Selain itu adindaku sekalian, kalian juga perlu mempertimbangkan layanan kepada parents kau yang datang dari jauh untuk G-day kau. Macam akak kau ni, mak ayah, sorang kakak dan sorang anak saudara datang nun dari Kelantan. Memanglah mak ayah selalu datang KL ziarah anak cucu, tapi bila mereka datang specially untuk kita, tak tahulah kenapa tapi Yam rasa sangat accountable untuk entertain diorang. Selalu abang kakak yang akan bersungguh, fetch kat airport, bawak gi makan etc, maybe sebab masa tu dorg tahu parents kami datang untuk dorang dan anak-anak dorg. Tapi ni since Yam tahu parents datang sebab G-day Yam, maka I have that kind of responsibility to entertain them most of the times, if not all.

So mulai hari Jumaat tu Yam fetch dorang kat aiport, bawa pergi rumah abang kakak, bawa ke sana ke sini, dan finally hantar balik ke airport on Rabu, meskipun kena monteng kelas. Ihiks padahalmemangsukamonteng huhuhu. Bukannya diorang minta atau suruh, tapi maybe kami dah terbiasa dengan cara macam tu kot, which I hope it is a good thing for our parents dan moga istiqamah :)

So the day came. Yam bawak mak dan ayah serta Kak Yah ke UIA pagi Isnin tu around 11 something, for the session will begin at 1.30pm. Dinasihatkan kalau engkau sesi petang, before 12 dah masuk UIA sebab taknak stuck dalam jammed orang yang sesi pagi nak balik. Cari parking as close as possible dengan CAC atau masjid, considering your parents. Kalau convo on weekend okay sikit kot, sbb boleh parking tempat staf. Tapi bila weekday, hari bekerja, mana boleh parking tempat staf. Memang ada port lain, tapi limited lah. That's why come as early as possible. Early birds get good worms, remember? Ewahh. Kahkah maka hari kejadian tu, Yam usahakan parking dekat building Engineering, so dekat dengan both masjid dan CAC Hall. Dekat tak dekat, 5mins jugak berjalan, which was agak jauh jugak la untuk my parents yang dah reach 60 y/o tuuu.

Okay, sampai-sampai je terus tuju ke masjid. Masuk waktu ke belum ke, tuju je ke masjid. Sebab dorang stay lebih daripada 3 hari, dah tak boleh jamak. Maka kena solat satu satu. Nak ambil wudhu' lagi, nak berjalan lagi, tahu la kan masjid SHAS tu ruang solat di atas (walaupun ada je kat bawah tapi kot2 penuh ke kurang selesa sikit ke untuk mak ayah), maka seeloknya tuju je ke masjid. Masuk waktu terus solat, dan Yam terus ke CAC sebab graduan kena start masuk pukul 1.30pm. Parents lambat sikit, around 2pm. Ingat, smart card yang sekali dengan invitation card tu graduan kena pegang. Satgi takde benda tu, tak terpanggil nama kau kat stage. Invitation card tu je bagi kat parents. Takde benda tuuu, xboleh masuk pulak parents. Jangan duk buat loqlaq tauuu.

Okay, masuk hall. Pasal attire. Girls please have jarum peniti nak letak dekat topi supaya nicely attached dengan tudung. Supaya tiada kejadian yang tidak diingini berlaku masa kau tunduk dekat Rector kat stage nanti tu ke apa ke. By the way, nanti akan ada akak-akak staf/komiti yang akan tolong, so dont worry too much. Tapi just in case, prepare your own jarum la. And bawa beg kecil yang boleh silang pastu kalau sarung robe tuu takdelah nampak sangat kau pakai beg. Kecil jeee, bagi muat phone, smart card tu pastu lipstick ke sebatang. Cukup ah. Kot-kot nak calit sebelum naik stage kan.

Oh btw pasal attire especially girls, uni lain akak taktahu diknon oi, tapi kalau UIA, sisters WAJIB pakai tudung kaler krim. Suka kau la light cream ke off white ke light yellow ke, asalkan menurut mata kau dan rerakan kau tu warna krim, pakai lah. MESTI plain, takde corak apa2. And since you are going to wear that the whole day, maka please wear something that you are comfortable with, yang kau takkan rasa tak konfiden. Contohnya selalu pakai bawal, janganlah hari konvo tu kau degil nak pakai shawl satgi kau rasa x selesa susah dik ooi. Kalau nak pakai shawl jugak, biasakan diri pakai shawl dulu seminggu dua sebelum konvo. Get yourself used to that first, until you feel confident. Sebab kalau konfiden, anything looks good on you sweetie. Why? Because confidence is the bet jewelry a girl can ever wear. Okay? Ahaaa

Btw kasut kena dark in colour. Black, dark brown and dark blue. Please adhere the supposed attire, satgi committee deny entry engko akak taktahuu. Haha takdela sampai x kasi masuk, tapi nanti diorang akan kasi attire yg menepati majlis, which can be tudung sarung kaler krim, atau kasut saiz gedabak kaler gelap. Since you will never want to wear something like that and look bad on the stage and in the pic, please please please follow je rules tu ya :)

Okay back to the session in the hall.

Session tu biasa lah ada selawat, nyanyi lagi UIA dan Negaraku etc, but you shall not miss out the moment YB Rector bagi speech. It was really meaningful. Macam kitorang, YB Rector umpamakan kami ikan-ikan yang berenang di akuarium UIA, yang sudah sedia untuk dibebaskan di lautan terbuka di luar sana, and she gave some life advices that I would treasure them. So, pay attention dekat Rector's speech, for it would be so nice to be listened to, and to be recalled of one fine day. Tauuu. Jangan tidur pulak, dah-dahlah tuuu tidur dalam lecture 4-5 tahun lepas mwahahaha. (I was saying this to myself by the way, with all due respect :D)

On the side note, kalau ayah kau seorang pembaca tegar, macam ayah Yam, pesan kat dia masuk hall tu bawak buku please. So that takde la dia bosan nunggu sesi habis. Ye lah, satu sesi dekat seribu (atau lebih) kot graduan nya. Lepas kau naik stage, ayah kau dah takde objektif untuk stay dalam hall. Tapi takleh keluar sebab tak lawa la pulak kan. Protokol pun kena jaga juga. So stay je la sampai habis sesi. Ayah Yam duk belek buku tentatif entah berapa juta kali kakakakaka kesian beliau.

Mak?

Ha, mak-mak ni kita pesan suruh bawak powerbank hahaha. Whatsapp, tangkap gambar, ambik video, banyak guna bateri ye mak. So, seperti mana ibundaku, titipkan pesanan pada ibundamu jua supaya bawak powerbank nak layan telpon dalam dewan tuuu hihi

Okay, sesi tamat. Keluar dewan. Haaa ni part rushing sikit. Semua orang nak keluar. Dahaga, lapar, nak solat, semua ada. Kat sini kau kena berlapang dada dan banyakkan bersabar. Orang ramai, berpusu-pusu. Tapi tetap rileks kayhh.

Yam kenmain gembira bukan kepalang bila keluar hall tuuu ada semua abang kakak abang ipar kakak ipar dan anak-anak menakan! Abang Yam cuti, abang ipar kakak ipar half day, kakak pun half day, bebudak cuti (ponteng) sekolah, makaaaaaaa meriahlah gambar convo Yam alhamdulillah.

Terima kasih for making it, sibs. And for the flowers. Oh btw sebab ni session last, banyak bunga murah-murah, rm10 untuk bouquet bebesar, rm5 untuk kecik sikit, in fact kitorg dapat bouquet free je mwahahaha regardless, thanksss. Lepastu penat la sikit nak jaga bunga tuu tetiap hari kena tukar air, and after seminggu dah boleh buang sebab layu. Huhuhu anyway it's the thought that counts, kan? Makanya, muchas graciasss :3

Okay lepas sesi bergambar sesikit, maka pi lah solat. Masa ni curi masa jumpa kekawan sekejap dan tangkap gambar. Tapi serius tak ramai yang Yam sempat jumpa, sebab memang dengan family je most of the times. Takde masanya nak gi cari kawan kejap. Kalau jumpa pun, kebetulan je. Takpe, next time ya. Masa konvo ni, ejas specially untuk family je dulu.

Kami sambung terus dengan maghrib, lepastu ke kedai gambar di kawasan masjid tu untuk ambil gambar studio. Alhamdulillah, satu lagi kenangan indah sebab takde dalam plan Yam punn nak ambil gambar studio sebab mahal mwehehehe tapi BangMat yang belanja haha.  Lepastuu gi makan dan balik rumah. Sampai rumah around 2 am haa tak ke pengsan engko, the next day tu memang tak lah nak kelas hahaha. (Akak kan LLBS so the day after convo terus ada kelas.)

Overall, convo ni merupakan pengalaman baru bagi Yam. Tak pernah convo, hatta masa tadika ke tabika ke derjah 6 ke SPM ke takde, takde pakai jubah konvo ke mortar board tu ke, TAKDE. So, ni pengalaman pertama. Nasihat ikhlas, jangan expect untuk ada kenangan best je. Akan ada situasi yang membuatkan kau tak selesa ke, nervous ke, nak marah ke, kecil hati ke, akan ada. Mungkin la ada antara kalian yang direzekikan untuk a perfect moment during the convo, tapi ingat juga mungkin ada kekawan yang tak berapa feel nak convo, mungkin sebab takde insan yang diimpikan untuk hadir bersama, atau tak sempat nak tunjuk skrol dekat either of the parents atau family members ke. Jadi, dalam kita bergembira, jangan lupa yang tiada. Berlapang dada, whatever the feeling is, moga Tuhan izinkan kau bersyukur dengan segala kurniaanNya.

Ada satu moment tu Yam tak percaya yang Yam akan bergraduasi, like for real my G day has come?! Tapi itu adalah satu kenyataan. Bermula 2011 di CFS, dengan fail UPU, tebalkan muka pergi manually apply dekat AMAD IIUM (thank Ayer!), pastu mulakan pembelajaran di CFS PJ, kenal orang baru, kenal crush (ehh!), masuk persatuan itu ini, pergi tempat itu ini, lepas setahun setengah masuk Gombak, lagi luas skopnya, empat tahun di AIKOL, suka duka jatuh bangun, akhirnya ALLAH izin naik stage terima scroll daripada YB Rector, masha ALLAH.

Terima kasih, Tuhan, untuk rezeki yang berpanjangan ini.
Dan untuk hadiah yang tidak aku pilih, namun aku tahu merupakan yang terbaik untukku; ibu bapaku, keluargaku - TERIMA KASIH - kerana masih dipanjangkan jodoh kami untuk bersama.
Para pensyarah dan rakan-rakan tak kira sebaya, junior atau senior, staf-staf, makcik pakcik cleaner, cafe dan sebagainya, TERIMA KASIH banyak - untuk pertemuan-pertemuan yang mengajar ilmu kehidupan, selain daripada ilmu ilmiah yang berkaitan.

Tahniah, Yam, for you LLB.
Sikiiiiiiiiit lagi untuk LLBS. Tahun depan, kita naik stage lagi ya :)

Happy G-Day, Maryam Jamilah!
Now officially an alumni of IIUM! :)
Semoga direzekikan Tuhan untuk memanfaatkan ummah dengan sedikit sebanyak ilmu dan tenaga yang ada.


Wallahu'alam, wassalam.

Loveliest regards,
Maryam Jamilah,
AIKOL 36th Batch,
IIUM 33rd Batch.
2017.

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"Adik cantik, adik baik..."

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

Never know that it would take me this long to finally write about her. She left us on 1st of February of 2017. A huge loss of mine that never crossed my mind that it would happen. I know we all either will leave or be left. But little did I know or expect that she will leave us this quick.

She fell sick around the time I fetched her at Abah's (my uncle) house. She complained of having back ache, saying that she fell on the bed. ON THE BED. So we thought nothing serious as it was on the bed, after all. Nevertheless I still brought her to Mak Mah, a famous massager at our kampung. And she was better, in sense of her movement. She needed not to crawl anymore, instead she may walk, though slowly.

We even had a BBQ night at Che's house. She enjoyed the food really well and acted like usual. After that only she had some fever, so she lied down and slept more than her usual of cracking jokes and kidding around, especially with me. 

On the day I shall leave to KL as the new semester is to be began and started, I managed to steal some time to afford her a small handbag that she had been asking for. Knowing her habit of keeping the thing without using it, I warned her to use the bag and expressed my willingness to buy new bag in case that bag has gone old. 

And that was on Sunday evening. On Wednesday morning, via family Whatsapp group, we got messages from Mak, together with some pictures. Pictures of her lying on the bed, not moving. She was found breathless at 4.30 am, but the family had to wait until Subuh to have someone to come and verify her condition. Ayah Jem, Mak's younger brother doctor, also Kak Lah, our neighbour who is a retired nurse as well as Dr Roslan, the doctor who treated her for her fever past days - they were all called by Mak - and those three informed the same thing - she has gone. 

I officially know about the matter at 9.15 am. I was having my first class of new semester, yet I decided to leave again. From Gombak, I went all the way to Kuantan, fetching Abang Mat before heading back to Pasir Mas via LPT2 instead of Gua Musang. We made it home at 4 pm, so we had the opportunity of seeing her for the last time before she was kept eternally, that was scheduled to take place after Asar prayer.

And there, I saw her, lying. She has been bathed, waiting to be clothed with her last cloth; kain kafan. And at that moment, Mek appproached her, mumbling something while brushing her wet hair. And Mek was crying. And I believe we who were there were also crying. It was so heartbreaking.

I followed Ayah and others to escort her to her new home. She was kept right beside Aytuk's tomb, so that was sort of reunion of them. Everything seemed unreal to me that I still have to remind myself that she is no longer with us in this world. 

And I also shall always remind myself not to worry about her, instead be worried about us who are being left. Because she, being a specially disable person during her life in this world, must be treated specially there. I believe she is being rested at a better place than she used to be in this world. And for that matter, I shall not be sad about her departure. She probably is doing well, even better, and happier than she was when she was alive. 

Frankly speaking, there is a part of me who could not wait to meet her there in Paradise, to see her in a normal form that she will be. So I can see how beautiful she actually is, as beautiful as how her heart was, when she was alive.

She was the only human that always, without failing, to see only good things in me. Everytime I am home, she will smile brightly and welcome me happily. Sometimes, out of nowhere, she will talk to herself - about me.

"Adik cantik, adik baik. Bagi itu ini. Adik pandai."

She could not meet and know many people. Thus it was easy for her to find me and my fellow sisters and cousins to be nice, pretty and smart persons, as we keep doing good things to her. And she was happy with that. So happy just to see us, so happy just to receive a bottle of baby powder, or even a hairclip, whatmore a lipstick, or a handbag. She liked to doll up, and sometimes she will summon me to her, to fix her selfmade make up and to wear her a scarf. And I am really, going to miss all those things. Of her calling me with good things, of her calling me to get her some tea, of her calling me to fix her make up. Oh dear :(

What regrets me was that I could have treated her better. Way better than I did. I should have spent more time with her, appreciating each and every word of hers, no matter how hard them to be understood. I should have watched more dramas with her, and listened to her recitation of this actor and that actress. I should have bought her more stuffs - bags, clips, pens and books (she liked to write also, though we found it hard to understand her writing), lipstick, snacks (she liked Mr Potato very much as she loved to collect the cans), and maaaaany moreeee! 

However, I believe she is being luxurious with all those things, there in a beautiful place. I really hope to be reunited with this beloved aunty of mine - biiznillah insha Allah.

And I suddenly remember that, another thing that regrets me is that - I promised myself once to show her off to my future husband, and even if possible, my kids. And that not being even close, she even didnt know who my partner is, and the only thing about her that I can tell them in the future is stories about her - how she loved and appreciated me - and how I love and appreciate her.

Rest in peace there, my dear special Che Lah. Insha Allah we will be reunited soon. May Allah reward me His mercy, so I can go to Jannah to meet you, my dear aunty. At that moment, I know - you will be looking beautiful - more beautiful than I am, who you always said so before, and more beautiful than how I have been looking at you at this while. 

For 56 years on this world, and for the 24 years of me knowing you  and giving me so many lessons and values of life, THANK YOU. Enjoy your time there, we will be following and meeting you soon.

AlFatihah,

Buat Siti Fadhilah binti Hj Hamzah,

1959 - 2017.

Wallahu'alam, wassalam.

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"Jazakallahu khayra...."

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

Masih ingat dengan Mek Nab? Yang kisahnya saya kongsikan di blog ini beberapa ketika dahulu. Andai kata terlupa - you might want to read this -> http://maryam-kamal.blogspot.my/2016/09/aidiladha-1437h-nati-mari-semula-deh.html .


Tadi saya berkunjung lagi ke rumahnya, atau lebih tepat kedainya, yang terletak di hadapan rumahnya. Secara mudahnya, the shop is attached with the house. Jadi, nak sampai ke rumahnya, akan lalu kedainya dahulu. Kedainya, kedai kopi. Letaknya di tepi jalan, dan berdekatan dengan rumah saya. Was one of our favorite places, sebab kedai Mek Nab ada menjual berbagai jenis gula-gula dan jajan, sesuai dengan selera kanak-kanak kami adik-beradik :D

MekNab, kerana kekangan usia, sudah amat jarang membuka kedai itu. Dan kalau dibuka pun, kecil sahaja bukaannya. Dari jauh kelihatan seperti tidak terbuka. Tapi hari ini, tidak begitu. Luas, malah pada bukaan maksima. Aneh sendirian saya, langsung saya ke kedainya. Singgah seketika, bersama pisang goreng sebagai buah tangan.

"Mekkkk." panggil saya kepadanya, usai memberi salam. Dia menjawab salam, dan matanya mengecil, mahu mengenalpasti saya, mungkin.

"Sapo tuh?" dia bertanya. Dahinya berkerut, keningnya hampir bertaut. Comel sekali!

"Ambo, Maryam anok Cikgu Yah." saya memperkenalkan diri, standard.

Langsung dia senyum. Saya menghampiri dia.

"Sihat, Mek?" tangan tua itu saya salam, pipinya saya kucup dan jasad kurusnya saya peluk.

"Ginilah, mek." senyumnya belum pudar. Saya letakkan pisang goreng di hadapannya, dan pantas dia menyuruh saya duduk untuk dia buatkan minuman kepada saya. Namun terpaksa saya menolak. Enjin kereta pun tidak saya matikan, kerana niatnya hanya mahu singgah seketika. Kami berbual pendek. Dia sempat bercerita bahawa dia meminta cucunya membuka kedai ini dan mengoperasikannya sementelah si cucu bercuti, dan dia selaku tauke asal, boleh memantau.

"Semale baru Mek teringat ko mung, xkelik ko mek aku hok ni. Ni ado doh ni." dia memberitahu. Saya sengih, senang dengan ingatan dia kepada saya.

"Jazakallahu khayran la deh. Ingat lagi mung ko Mek, wat mari goreng pise nah." nada suaranya turun sedikit, lantas kedengaran sayu.

Saya langsung terkedu. Betapa pisang goreng yang tidak seberapa itu, menjadi begitu berharga di matanya. Hingga dia sudi mendoakan yang terbaik untuk saya. Masha ALLAH.

Saya senyum pada dia, yang masih belum lekang senyuman di bibirnya.

***

Moral yang ingin saya sampaikan di sini ialah, I cannot deny the fact that there is possibility that the fact that I am smiling happily right now, ataupun I am breathing comfortably right now, adalah hasil doa orang-orang sekeliling saya kepada saya.

Bukanlah mahu menafikan rahmat dan kuasa Tuhan, tapi ada sahaja kemungkinannya bahawa apa yang saya nikmati hari ini adalah berkat doa-doa orang sekeliling saya ini terhadap saya. Mungkin kerana sekecil-kecil goreng pisang itu yang menyenangkan hati dia, maka dia berdoa seikhlasnya kepada saya, untuk hasilnya saya nikmati pada masa hadapan.

In short, be kind. Because people will at least give 'kind words' in return. Kalau that words tidak anda dengari dan tidak mampu memotivasikan anda untuk terus berbuat baik, mana tahu that 'words' adalah di antara dia dengan Tuhan, mendoakan yang baik-baik untuk anda.

Misalnya, you helped someone. Kalaulah dia tidak directly ucapkan terima kasih pada anda (which will ease your heart sebab the fact that your helped people, tapi boleh jadi dia tak berpeluang to thank you), boleh jadi sahaja instead of that, dia doakan anda, misal kata - semoga urusan orang yang tolong saya tu dipermudahkan or something along that line. It is as easy as that to have someone praying for good thing for us. Jadi, nampak kan, betapa pentingnya berbuat baik sesama manusia?

May this help. Kalau bukan anda, saya sendiri. Who knows I might be reading this in the future, and I will be motivated? Kan :)


Be niceeeeeeeeeeeee, Yam. Like you always do. And so, be betterrrrrrrrr! :)


Wallahu'alam, wassalam.

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Genap 2 tahun.

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

Beliau pergi pada waktu tengah malam, melewati angka 12 pada 18 Januari 2014, menjadikan tarikh yang tercatit pada sijil kematiannya - 19 Januari 2014.

Mengimbas kembali, rasanya waktu itu saya baru pulang bercuti. Seperti sekarang ini, cuti semester selama dua minggu. Tidaklah terlalu baru, tapi tidaklah sudah terlalu lama saya berada di rumah.

Beliau demam. Panas. Seleranya yang sedia tumpul, semakin berkurang. Sesekali kami (selain Mek yang setia berada di sisinya), bergilir-gilir, menjenguk dia di katilnya. Matanya terpejam, kekadang separa terbuka. Melingas seketika, sebelum kembali dia memejam mata. Saya singgah di katilnya sesekali, menjamah dahi dan lehernya. Panas. Dan sesekali juga, kedengaran dia mengerang. Senyum nipis saya di dalam hati, mengenangkan tabiat yang satu itu masih lekat pada dia. Mengerang ketika demam.

Hari itu - 18 Januari 2014. Demamnya masih belum kebah. Mek cuma menyuapkan air masak kepadanya, melalui straw. Barangkali hanya sesudu dua supplement yang berjaya masuk ke dalam mulutnya. Juga sesuap dua nasi pada waktu tengah hari. Dan sedikit kuih pada petangnya. Selebihnya, hanya air yang menjadi santapannya.

Saya gusar, namun tidaklah kuat rasa itu. Barangkali kerana sudah beberapa hari dia demam begitu, maka tanggapan saya ; demamnya masih belum kebah. Sudah beberapa kali dia demam begitu sebelum ini, dan kebah. Jadi saya fikir, demamnya belum habis. Justeru, tiada apa-apa istimewa yang kami lakukan, melainkan rutin yang sesekali melalukan tuala lembap di wajahnya, bagi mengurangkan panasnya.

Siapalah yang menyangka itu demam terakhirnya dia. Siapalah yang menyangka demam itu tidak akan kebah. Siapalah yang menyangka beliau akan pergi bersama demamnya. Siapalah yang menyangka - erangan demamnya itu yang terakhir kami dengar, dan awal tirai 19 Januari 2014 dibuka, beliau pergi.

Kalaulah....

Kalaulah kita semua tahu itu hari terakhirnya dia, tidak sesaat pun kita tinggalkan dia. Kalaulah kita tahu esoknya dia sudah tiada, segala urusan hari ini langsung tidak kita peduli. Kalaulah kita tahu itu saat-saat terakhir dia dunia, tercatuklah kita semua di sisinya - menghabiskan masa menatap wajahnya, mengusap jemarinya dan mendengar erangannya.

Dan itu semua - KALAULAH.

It is not a good thing, tapi memang ada sedikit kesal di pihak saya sendiri, for not being with him during his last moments. Kerana hanya sesekali sahaja menjengah dia, dan kemudiannya pergi menyambung urusan dunia. Kerana tiada di samping dia di hujung hayatnya, sedangkan kami di bawah bumbung yang sama. Kerana tidak memperdulikan erangan dia, yang mungkin mahu memberitahu sesuatu.

Tapi, yalah; sesal sekarang mana ada guna, kan? And the only thing I can do right now is, banyakkan berdoa agar dia bahagia di sana, di sisi Pencipta. Agar dua tahun dia di alam kubur sana tidaklah dia rasakan terlalu lama, untuk sampai ke alam kebangkitan semula. Agar kuburnya bercahaya, dan diluaskan serta dilapangkan selapang-lapangnya. Agar segala dosa-dosanya di dunia diampunkan, dan segala amal kebaikannya diambil kira pahalanya. Agar saham-saham dunia yang dia tinggalkan; anak-anak soleh, harta sedekah serta ilmu bermanfaat, akan mengharumkan kuburnya.

Agar.

***

Aytuk,
who knows 19 January would be such an important date to us?

Aytuk, tadi adik ke kubur Aytuk, bersama Ayah. Ayah is going somewhere else tomorrow, so he would like to pay u a visit before he leaves. And I followed him.

Ayah duduk hampir di pusara Aytuk, dan kami memulakan bacaan. I was wandering around, as usual, melihat 'teman-teman baru' Aytuk. Ada beberapa kesan tanah baru di sekitar pusara Aytuk. Kemudiannya adik duduk berhampiran Ayah, yang memulakan bacaan tahlil. Dan adik ikut, diam-diam.

Ayah akhirinya dengan doa, dan di pertengahannya, adik lihat Ayah mengesat matanya di sebalik kaca mata yang dia pakai.

Aytuk, Ayah adik itu, yang jarang sekali adik lihat air matanya, Ayah adik itu, anak lelaki sulung Aytuk, nampaknya seperti adik juga -merindui Aytuk.



***

Damailah di sana, Aytuk sayang. It is just a matter of time, sebelum kita bertemu kembali. Semoga pertemuan kita, di alam lain itu, menjadi pertemuan yang lebih indah. Semoga kita ini layak untuk kembali berhimpun dan bertemu di syurgaNya, yang kekal abadi, insha ALLAH.



Aytuk sayang, Hj Hamzah Hj Idris, sentiasa dalam kenangan.
AL-FATIHAH.


****

Wallahu'alam, wassalam.



psst. 
Kisah 2 tahun lalu ada kat sini, kot la nak baca -> http://maryam-kamal.blogspot.my/2015/02/pok-su-mezoh-dalam-kenangan.html

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