Bismillah.
I remember writing in my previous post that I was very grateful that He allows me to enjoy my sleep regardless of how freaking tiresome my day was. Like, mentally though not really physically.
But I think now thing has gotten worsen that I frequently get nightmares of various genres. Like, in my nightmares - every kind of people come to visit. My superiors, my clients, my colleagues etc. Even sometimes discussion with my friends and family regarding legal matters. So it was not as fun as before to sleep, as well as to wake up. I feel very tired and my heart is at unease, unbeknown to me what the reason is.
I then myself a lot these days regarding this matter. Passion is not enough, hard work must come along for you to succeed. Same goes to hard work, it is never enough without the passion. Because now I personally think that I've been doing things currently based on hard work solely that I dont really have the passion, and I think I am losing it. But to totally let it go and vent myself into a new risky world, I afraid my passion alone is not enough. I may be losing my hard work in the middle of the road, where going back is already too far, and going forward is not an option either for I might question myself too much about how far the end it.
Complicated kan? I bet you dont even understand what I am writing. Which shows how entangled my mind is at the moment. And the only thing I want to do now is to write, though I dont really know what the content should be, for what it will be, or for who, but just allow me to write. The words are just slipping out my mind through my fingers for I do not know to who I should be saying these ridiculous things.
I am 27 year old woman. Not so young anymore to venture myself in a new world that is not familiar to me. Adapting has become so hard and difficult, yet I am to create my very own comfort soft. I am fragile, in fact I feel like walking on cracking shell all the tine. Things will break and I will fall tremendously. The solution is either I walk out off the shell, or I fix the cracks by strengthen it with whatever ingredient it could be, such as passion, interest, love or anything.
But as for now, at the moment, I just couldnt bring myself to do either of that. Which left me with the only possibility, which is to wait for the moment that I might fall off the cracking hell. Ops, shell I mean.
I got a case yesterday at Kuala Kubu court. While waiting for the judge, I had a little chat with several senior lawyers. Well, meeting good people is among your blessings as well so I am grateful for being able to meet and greet those seniors. One said to me that his partner has been practising for more than 45 years already. Rich enough that he comes into the office nowadays only for chilling. Drinking coffee and reading newspaper before going home to rest. He himself has been in this legal field for 22 years, another senior has been saying to herself to quit, but still find herself in this legal field after 14 years.
What an achievement.
How come they spend years doing these things? Engulfing themselves with continuous problem of others? Putting others problem as if the problems have become theirs? Prioritize others and pushing back their own personal priorities?
There are so many occasions already that I think I want to quit. As if I am not cut out to be in this field. When I think I am not as good as others. When my cases are not going well. When my clients are not happy with me or the case. When the opponent is giving me hard time. When the officers are sometimes challenging my small bits of patience that remained inside. Basically, when things are that hard.
Feel like going back home, snuggled into my parents' embrace and stay in there.
But, we all know that is not possible, at least not at the age of 27 years old. I have responsibilities and commitments that I have to discharge. To me myself, to my parents, my family and friends, also my society who may need a bit of my knowledge to help them empower their life. To discharge my fardhu kifayah to help those in need, whatmore to discharge my fardhu ain.
With this, I am still here. Sugarcoating things to myself that they will get better someday, or maybe it is me myself who will be better thus combating all those negative thoughts away from my mind.
Insha ALLAH. I hope so.
I know things are hard for you too. They are hard on me. So maybe you too. The only way to help maybe - just be kind to everybody. You wouldnt know how your small act may actually give big impact to certain people.
Be kind. If money is not a problem, share your rezeki with people. One ringgit for you may mean tens to some people. Spare your time with your loved ones for you will never know how much time left to be together, be it you or them who will leave first. Appreciate people and dont be hard with yourself.
Life is too short to be filled with misery, anger and unhappiness.
Keep trying. Even if u fail, u succeed at trying :)
And you know right, I am saying this to me myself to be read later on in the future whenever I need it. Kan?
:)
All the best.
Regards,
Maryam.
0 love letta(s):
Post a Comment